While the single girl guidelines clearly state to 'read a book' in order to distract oneself from the pitfalls of heartbreak, there is no mention as to which book and why. 

There are, of course, your 'must' recommendations, (think the infamous Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) yet my choice of literature left me childishly snorting in public as I inhabited the thoughts of 15 year old Oliver Tate in fictional novel, Submarine by Joe Dunthorne. 

I thought, perhaps, it was my wish to revel in high-school nostalgia as I got caught within the sexual endeavors of a school boy pleading to lose his virginity before he turns 16. And then I remembered Alex Turner wrote the soundtrack to the film adaption of the book.

Despite the yearning to understand the male species proving unsuccessful, the observations and musings voiced through one-liners and incessant mockery by adolescent Oliver proves successful in confirming that yes, teenage boys are weird.

In short, the novel is a third person surveillance of the adult world. While Oliver attempts to rekindle his parents relationship and their sex life, which he has been closely monitoring for the past two months via a dimmer switch ("I know when they have been at it because the next morning the dial will still be set to halfway"), his own relationship with eczema prone bob-haired pyromaniac girlfriend Jordana Bevan develops from "My tongue is in Jordana's mouth." to "my hotrod touches her vag". 

Although the narrative provides nothing more than a weekday TV soap, involving a love triangle, family disputes and a lot of hanky-panky, Dunthorne's portrayal of Oliver allows the older reader to reminisce their teenage years in reference to first love, innocent foreplay and Chips, who Oliver labels a "traditional school bully" who advises "it should never take more than a week between getting a hand job and stuffing it in."

If you are after a sort-of lighthearted yet sort-of sickeningly amusing read, Submarine is highly worth the purchase. While the book has provided me with no further insight into relationships, the young teenage perspective on the bigger world left me in fits of laughter along with and a list of favourite sexual quotes which will surely intrigue you into reading...         

"I've discovered that masturbating in the darkness of my empty wardrobe is excellent, particularly because of that newborn feeling as you stumble back into the well-lit room. A kind of Narnia"

"She pulls aside the crotch of her knickers like a curtain. It is the first time I have seen one in the flesh. It is not so pretty. I remind myself I like the taste of shellfish."

"One more word that may be useful in the heat of passion: dong. Dong sounds like someone very important has arrived."

"There is no pop sound like the seal being broken on a jam jar. Chips lied."

"Her knickers are green. A couple of spider-leg hairs poke through the cotton. It is common knowledge that every human eats six spiders a year while asleep."

Submarine by Joe Dunthorne, 2008. 


As the majority of you know, either from constant tweets concerning heartbreak or, if you're one of my friends, continual interrogation as to 'how long does heartbreak take?' and 'will I ever have sex again?', I have been single for the past two and a half weeks.

As a first timer for heartbreak, the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness swamps you into a Arctic Monkeys lyric fueled world. Cliche's become a daily occurrence in the form of a 'time is the best healer' text message from your mum and, for now, nothing will help you but ice cream.

The following is a list of 10 weird things I have done in the past 19 days in an attempt to comfort me during this tough time. (Forgive me for I feel I am Alexa Chung losing Alex Turner.)


1. Planned a nipple piercing. Whether this is a hint of rebellion, a form of masochism or a need to feel sexier, I really don't know

2. Sat on various benches situated around London reading 'Submarine' in hope of someone coming up to me and falling in love with me as we discuss the wonder behind Alex Turner's soundtrack for the film adaption 

3. Gotten excited at the prospect that every man I've seen holding a guitar case is potentially in an indie band that performs in Camden every weekend. #groupie #ionlydateboysinbands

4. Had to decline marijuana. 'It will make you happy' was not what I needed to hear

5. Listened to Kate Nash 'Nicest Thing' constantly, bearing in mind I haven't listened to that song since my four month long relationship in year 8 ended

6. Taken selfies in my underwear with my middle finger raised in the air, purely for myself and no one else

7. Typed 'you're a cunt' into the Youtube search bar in hope my ex would still be signed into my account and look at my video history

8. Googled 'Alexa Chung and Alexa Turner' and scrolled through hundreds of pictures attempting to fathom the split between the two most beautiful, fashionable, wonderful couple in the world (me and the ex)

9. Had a fringe cut in for the first time in about 10 years. To look like my ex's celebrity crush? To look unrecognizable? To feel the nostalgia of life without boys?  

10. Considered revising (I haven't)